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Messing Up

I keep doing it.  Messing up.  To many emotions coming to the surface.  They make me do stupid things.  Think stupid things.  Say stupid things. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  I can try to make amends.  It may work.  It may not.  Either way, I’ll accept whatever comes of it.  I have no choice.  I’ll try to learn from it all and move on.

Tomorrow is my little surgery.  I’m actually looking forward to it.  I’ll have a few minutes of good, solid sleep.  Something that to easily escapes me these nights.  Thanks to my two dear friends that will pick me up, deliver me, and then pick me up and bring me home.  I couldn’t do it without you two.  I appreciate you more than you could know.

Next Wednesday is the meeting with the county. I’m nervous.  Not nervous to tell my story rather nervous to tell it without breaking down.  I like to be all professional at meetings like these but I don’t feel like I will be able to keep it together. If my nights are an indicator, I’ll be a mess.

I made somewhat of a commitment last weekend. I’m not sure I did the right thing. I’ve wanted to talk it over with a friend of mine but they have been unavailable.  They give me a perspective I usually don’t think about. They calm me.  They give me peace.  I probably rely to much on them.

To many decisions to be made.  To many things coming to a head.  I used to excel under pressure.  These days, I seem to just fall apart.  This side of the new me isn’t good.  I don’t understand all of these emotions. Neither do others.  I think a few just think I’m flat our crazy.  Maybe I am.  Hopefully, it’s a temporary state of mind.  My sister may have it right, it’s 20 plus years of emotions all coming to the surface at once.

Losing  my long time, childhood friend this week just make it all so much harder.

To you that are hanging in there with me, thanks.  I love you, more than ever.  I’m trying to get it together.  One step at a time.

Shine On!

Jill

Irish Triplets

They lived across the street.  The three of them.  One, the oldest and the twins, a year younger.  Due to the timing of their birthday, they are all the same age for a few months.  Irish triplets.

They were my best friends.  Brothers really.  I can recall so many summer days running back and forth between houses.  I had a tree fort in my yard, we’d spend many lunch breaks sharing sandwiches up there along with anything else we could scrounge from the kitchens.

Our parents were politically miles apart.  Every election season would find “the boys” marching with their political affiliation plastered all over their persons on one side of the street, with me on the other, dressed head to toe in my parents political preference.  We’d holler across the street, giggling and teasing each other.  My only complaint, it was three against one.  We never got mad at each other, we just had good old fashioned fun.

Winters would find us playing in the snow.  We had a snowmobile first but I will never forget the Christmas they got theirs.  It was a crazy, fun time blazing through the snow on our machines!  I also had a huge hill in my backyard, perfect for sledding.  I don’t remember us ever quitting because we were cold, rather because we had the wind knocked out of us one too many times.

Yes, I had a crush on one or two of them over the years.  But, that never went any place and it never, ever got in the way of our friendship.  I haven’t seen them as often over the years as I would like but we have stayed in touch.  I last saw the three of them together at their mom’s funeral.  They did her so proud.  They are three handsome, successful men.

Two nights ago, the eldest lost his battle with cancer. He put up a good, long, hard fight.  He has a young daughter that was the apple of his eye and he hung on as long as he could.  His brothers walked this journey with him and their loss must be so immense.  My heart is very heavy.  I will miss my friend.  I cry for those he left behind.  The world has lost a very genuine, caring man.  The emptiness will forever be felt.

Please, tell those you care about that you love them.  Do it today.  Life is brief and fragile.

God Speed my friend.  I’ll see you on the other side.

I love you boys.

Take care of each other.

Love,

Your big sis,

Jill

Irish Triplets

They lived across the street.  The three of them.  One, the oldest and the twins, a year younger.  Due to the timing of their birthday, they are all the same age for a few months.  Irish triplets.

They were my best friends.  Brothers really.  I can recall so many summer days running back and forth between houses.  I had a tree fort in my yard, we’d spend many lunch breaks sharing sandwiches up there along with anything else we could scrounge from the kitchens.

Our parents were politically miles apart.  Every election season would find “the boys” marching with their political affiliation plastered all over their persons on one side of the street, with me on the other, dressed head to toe in my parents political preference.  We’d holler across the street, giggling and teasing each other.  My only complaint, it was three against one.  We never got mad at each other, we just had good old fashioned fun.

Winters would find us playing in the snow.  We had a snowmobile first but I will never forget the Christmas they got theirs.  It was a crazy, fun time blazing through the snow on our machines!  I also had a huge hill in my backyard, perfect for sledding.  I don’t remember us ever quitting because we were cold, rather because we had the wind knocked out of us one too many times.

Yes, I had a crush on one or two of them over the years.  But, that never went any place and it never, ever got in the way of our friendship.  I haven’t seen them as often over the years as I would like but we have stayed in touch.  I last saw the three of them together at their mom’s funeral.  They did her so proud.  They are three handsome, successful men.

Two nights ago, the eldest lost his battle with cancer. He put up a good, long, hard fight.  He has a young daughter that was the apple of his eye and he hung on as long as he could.  His brothers walked this journey with him and their loss must be so immense.  My heart is very heavy.  I will miss my friend.  I cry for those he left behind.  The world has lost a very genuine, caring man.  The emptiness will forever be felt.

Please, tell those you care about that you love them.  Do it today.  Life is brief and fragile.

God Speed my friend.  I’ll see you on the other side.

I love you boys.

Take care of each other.

Love,

Your big sis,

Jill

I am a Paradox

I’ve been doing a little reading.  Nothing heavy.  All light stuff.  At least until I let the words sink in.  And then I stop.  I think.  I reflect.  I question.  And I wonder.

I’ve always had a good grasp of who I am.  What I want.  What I need. But for the past few months,  I’ve had to admit, I no longer know the answers.  Sure, the basics are still there, but not unlike a butterfly coming out of its cocoon, safe and protected, letting it’s wings spread, I find myself changing.  I’m more ready than ever to take chances.  To explore things I’ve never dreamed of exploring before.  I’m willing to take chances.  Now, if you’ve known me long, don’t worry.  Nothing I am doing is warranted any concern or worry.  It’s all good.  It’s just new, for me.

I read this on Pinterest:  “She is a paradox.  She is faithful, yet detached.  She is committed and yet relaxed.  She loves everyone, yet no one.  She is sociable but also a loner.  She is gentle and yet tough.  She is passionate but can also be platonic.   In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability.”

A lot of that is very fitting for me.  I would have to change the second line though.  I think I would have to say “She is committed yet torn.”  We’ve all heard “the heart wants what the heart wants.”  I do know what my heart wants.  What I don’t know is if my heart  wants to much.  If it’s expectations are unworthy of myself.  Do I deserve what I want?  At what expense may I feel free to take what I want.  One other change, I do love everyone.   At times, too much, or at my own expense.  I did that in my marriage.   I thought I loved but clearly see now that I didn’t.  And I sold myself.  I sacrificed who I was and who I wanted to be.  I accepted things I wouldn’t want for my worst enemy.  And here I am, many, many years later, wanting to be that younger woman.  Wanting to take the world as my own and asking myself if it’s too late.

I’ve always been able to set the heart and my emotions aside to deal with life head on in an intellectual way.  It’s getting harder to do so.  My heart seems to be the ruler these days.  It’s like I’m on a ledge…unsure if I’ll simply fall or if I should jump.

I’ve been awakened to many new experiences.  My music likes are even branching out, and not without some ridicule but I don’t care. I’m enjoying this new genre.  I heard a quote today from an old Cat Stevens song and I just thought it was so true:  ” I let the music take me where my heart wants to go.”  My heart wants to go to amazing places.   I can’t even leave my house in the mornings now without playing the same few songs 3 or 4 times.  It sets the mood for the day.  I do the same before I go “out.”

In summary, life can be exciting.  At any age.  Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.  I don’t want to let fear rule me anymore.  I hope you find the freedom to let yourself go too!

Shine On!

Jill

Moving Moments

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.  I love my job.  I love my job because I love “my boys.”  Yes, I work with all boys this year and each and every one of them are delightful.  That is not to say they may not have “moments” but they are gems.

I’ve mentioned my hugger before.  I just can’t get enough of this guy.  His hugs can compete with any grown man.  This boy knows how to hug with meaning behind it.  We have a mutual deep caring for each other.  I thank my lucky stars everyday that I am blessed enough to have him in my life.

We had an unusual moment last week.  He was mad at some other students.  I knew it so I went to check on him. He was not happy and he let me know it.  I was a little stunned when he screamed in my face “Go away and leave me alone!”  Yes, I know not to take things personally with these kids and I don’t.  But it doesn’t mean this didn’t surprise me and well, hurt just a little bit.  He and I spoke to my boss about why he was mad.  She’s a genius at pulling this kid out of his momentary “funks” and it was no different this day.  Well, there was one difference.  She told him he owed me an apology.  He wasn’t ready at that time.

Another co-worker and friend, knew of what had transpired.  She brought him to a class I would be working with him in, a few hours later.  She entered the room with her beautiful smile and encouraged the young man to take care of things with me (Ms. D).  He hemmed and hawed and couldn’t get the words out.  Well, until my friend left the room.  As soon as she was out of sight, he came over to my chair, stood very near to me, apologized and hugged me.  And best of all, he smiled at me again.  All was right with the world, once again.

I am not the only one this young man affects in such a way.  Several other co-workers enjoy his hugs also.  But I get to observe some other magic he spreads during a class and his lunch period.  You see, there are a group of boys that are his age and they will graduate together.  They are all athletes, high spirited and I would say, popular boys.  One or two of them may even get into a little trouble now and then.  But every day at lunch, these boys sit with my boy.  They really don’t just sit there.  They engage with him.  They talk, tease and laugh.  And everyday, I sit and watch and my heart swells with pride for these young men and the fact  that they open their minds and hearts to such a special young man.  It’s beneficial to all of them.

In a day and age where teens can be seen as uncaring and “troublesome,” I’m happy to share this story with you.  There is hope in the world and I am so fortunate to be a witness to it.

Shine On!

Jill

More Changes

Today, I will start with the boy.  A request for a crisis bed has been placed.  That’s very good news.  The hard part for me is that a meeting with some higher up county people is being called for.  I understand the request.  They want to hear my version of what it has been like to deal with the group home.  I don’t mind sharing, although, I would prefer to do a phone call as I don’t want to miss work.  More than that, I’m afraid I won’t be able to control my emotions.  My ex has decided to fly in to attend the meeting.  I guess I appreciate the support but I am not quite sure I can even imagine the two of us going through this…together.  We’ve never co-parented.

Beyond moving the boy himself, I’m not sure how I will obtain and move his personal property.  You all know how I feel about stepping foot on that property.  It scares the dickens out of me.  I’m usually pretty good at faking how strong I am but this case requires a little more moxie and brawn, in my opinion.  Lots of thinking to do.

Crushing news regarding the girl.  If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you may recall that we had found a new psychiatrist for her and that I was so pleased with him and very excited to continue this professional relationship.  He was young and seemed to be very forward thinking.  As has happened many times before, he is no longer at the location and I have no idea where he went.  We have lost so many good people for the same reason or because insurance changes and we can no longer see a particular doctor.  It’s so frustrating as no one needs more stability than those with mental health issues.  I took this loss harder than most as I really had high hopes in working with him.  We had a plan.  A good plan.We waited three months to get into him and now we start over.  We have no idea who we will end up with.  Very disconcerting.

Yea.  I am tired.  Tired of it all.  But, I’ve been here before.  I will just remind myself, again, to take one day at a time.  Or better yet, one moment at a time.  I need to have faith.  In addition, tomorrow is a new day and that always brings new hope.

Shine On!

Jill

Mash Up

Wow!  What a week this has been.  I’ve kept you abreast of a few things but I’ve got a few more to add.

Regarding the boy, things seem to be moving, albeit slowly.  It’s not my forte to be patient regarding my kids but I have to learn to do so.  I got a packet in the mail yesterday from a group that runs crisis homes.  That tells me things are happening.  I am grateful to know that they will also  provide transporters so that is a huge stress reliever for me personally.  Once he is moved, I will have to figure out a way to get his items packed and moved.  As I repeatedly say, I’m am very fearful to set foot on that property.  I know this much, if I have to go, it will not be alone.  I know I need just the right person to go with me.  One step at a time.  Much to consider.  My insides are a bit shaky but I’ve lived most of my life in this state so I know I will get through it.  I just need to keep breathing and act tougher than I am! 🙂

A few fun tidbits from the week.  A friend gave me some venison jerky and venison salami he made. It’s really quite good.  Once batch is hot with black and pink peppercorns but I find I quite like it.  The girl, not so much!  I don’t often get venison any longer so this is a real treat!

I wandered outside last evening to visit with a friend.  I was absolutely gobsmacked when another neighbor came out with containers of frozen turkey soup he made and gave each one of us one to take home!  I’ve lived here for three years and we have never exchanged any “goodies” with each other.  I found it quite sweet that he made this gesture.  I’ll let you know how it is once I try it.  Sometime, in the near future, I will make him some cookies as a thank you.  I’m still so surprised at how many men like to cook these days!

I’ve confessed to having a very roller coaster of a week emotionally.  When you wear your heart on your sleeve, it can be a little taxing.  I wouldn’t have it any other way though.  I’ve had several calls of support throughout the week and I am forever grateful.  One particular call, as always, put everything in perspective and calmed my soul.  I’m not quite sure how this person does it but they do.  Actually, I do. It’s the tone of the voice, the wisdom and the genuine friendship and caring that radiates from them each time I hear their voice. This may sound strange but I love it when this person calls me a brat.  Inside joke that always makes me smile!

The weekend is here!  Well, almost.  3:05 p.m. can’t come soon enough for this girl.  I’m ready to kick back with some friends and forget the trials of the week.  I hope you have something special planned for your weekend. You deserve it!

Shine On!

Jill