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How Far?

I’m thinking.  I’m wondering.  And it is just that.  It’s all hypothetical.  Speculation.  Curiosity. About how you chose/choose your mate. How you view the couples you see on a day to day basis.  At the restaurant.  At the grocery store.  At the post office.  At the mall.

When you look at some couples, they just seem to be the perfect fit.  They dress similarly.  Well pressed clothing, beautifully coiffed hair, shoes polished, prim and proper.  In this day and age, it’s not uncommon to see couples that each have brightly colored hair, piercings in the ears, nose, lips, and or their tongues.  There clothes are off beat and an expression of who they are.

And then, there is the couple that makes you stop and ask why.  She’s straight laced.  Professional.  Having her ears pierced was a major step of rebellion for her. He’s handsome.  His ears are pierced.  Not once or twice, maybe three or four times.  He’s got tattoos, many visible and more that are hidden beneath his jeans and shirt. He might appear to be a little rough around the edges. There may be skeletons in his closet.

Upon closer inspection, you notice something these couples have in common.  The love they have in their eyes for each other.  Their love is palpable.  He treats her like his queen and she treats him like her king.  They laugh.  They hold hands.  They seem to float on air. They are one of those couples you look at and can’t help but envy.  You want a love like theirs. They slow dance to the radio.  They giggle at jokes only the two can understand. They can spend hours with each other not saying a word to each other but knowing exactly what the other is thinking.  They melt together as one. They support each other.  They believe in each other.  They like each other.  They love each other.

They don’t see any faults in the other, or if they do, they embrace those faults. They encourage each other.  Protect each other. They stand side by side.  The sound of the others voice washes peace, contentment and love over them.  Their touch reaches to their soul and calms all that is wrong in the world.

My question to you, do you accept all three of these couples? Even the one couple that  don’t look they belong together?  What if you were one part of a couple that looks quite opposite from each other.  Would the opinion of friends and family prevent you from moving forward?  If you were friends or family of one, would you discourage the relationship based on the looks or would you support them for the love that radiates from them?

They say opposites attract.  They say love conquers all.  I hope I’ve never judged anyone for whom they love and I hope I never do.  How do you feel?

Shine On!

Jill

Shufflin’

I was up late, late last night.  Again.  It wouldn’t be so bad but for some reason, when I stay up late, I get up at 4:30 a.m.  I make no sense, even to myself!  I was really restless last night.

I’m not sure why.  I have a pretty good idea.  It’s been very quiet regarding the boy.  The old adage “the calm before the storm” keeps circling my mind.  I find I enjoy the quiet, when I can settle into it, but that doesn’t happen often as I keep wondering what is happening.  I taught myself long ago that it was OK to just live minute by minute.  I am applying it today but yet, there is a nagging feeling gnawing deep inside of me.

I think the other problem I had was I didn’t get my walk in yesterday.  I am actually  loving walking!  I put my headphones in, crank up the music and beat feet!  I’m up to 2-3 miles a day.  I actually had to make myself stop and come home tonight.  I am shooting for 3-4 miles a day.  It helps immensely with the stress.  The leaves are just beautiful right now and I practically have the park and surrounding areas to myself. I did run into a family with the cutest little blondie in a stroller.  We waved to each other and she got the biggest grin on her face.  We connected!

I love hugs too.  Luckily, my hugger at school has been even huggier than usual.  Yes, I know hugger and huggier are not words but I like them so I’m using them.  Get over it!  He’s the same one that “fired” me several times yesterday.

I also know these last few entries have been pretty lame.  I’m really working on not being emotional this week.  It’s working pretty well so hopefully, things will get back to normal around here sooner rather than later.  In the meantime,

Shine On!

Jill

Moody This or That

I’m a bit all over the place tonight.  I’m not sure why but if you’re game, I’ll try to figure it out a long with you.

I had a wonderful start to the day. I felt well rested, had a lovely morning phone call, a few thought provoking texts  and got my dose of music in before I entered the hallowed halls of school.  I was walking on air.

My student opted to sit outside for lunch.  What a beautiful day!  I love that we are getting these summer like temps now.  Spending  those 20 minutes outside today made my heart soar even higher and the feeling of optimism washed over me.  My lunch break followed.  I always leave campus and sit in my car.  It’s a chance to clear my head, listen to some music and prepare myself for the last half of my day. Sadly, I didn’t get my walk in tonight so I was appreciative of the moments I did have outside.

A few wonderful things happened today.  A co-worker took the time to paint me a picture of lilacs.  She knows the special place they hold in my heart.  Her gesture made me happy and also brought a tinge of sadness as lilacs mean my mom.  But, I’m glad I have this lovely piece of art.

One of my students fired me no less than 8 times today.  That may sound terrible to you but he smiles every time he says it.  When it’s all over, he always comes to me and says “You’re Ok” and gives me a big hug.

I have a young man I’ve mentioned before, he’s cute as a button and very, very active.  He takes great interest in my personal life.  Apparently, today was the first time he learned that I am divorced.  He promptly encouraged me to try online dating (little does he know I already am).  He went on to tell me to go find a picture of the prettiest girl and to use that as my picture. This would offend many but I just laughed and assured (lied through my teeth)  him  that I have no problems attracting men.  I am a special ed para and I can take it.  Boy, can I take it.

Now, for the best news of all.  I managed to use the washroom for the first time in three days with NO interruptions!  Boy, was that a relief.  I mean, I almost had PTSD over going to the bathroom (I am not making light of PTSD).

The boy is always in the back of my mind but with these kids, I can still smile every day. I’m feeling a little “off” since I got home.  I can’t quite explain it.  I think it’s because a friend of mind needs some prayers.  This friend needs to forgive themselves for choices in their past.  So, if you wouldn’t mind, include the boy and the friend in your prayers tonight.  We’d all really appreciate it.

A few tears crept into my eyes this evening but they didn’t fall.  I consider that a victory.  I hope you all had a victory today, no matter how great or small.

 

Shine On!

Jill

Monday, Monday

It may not sound like much to you, but it is to me. I’ve managed to not cry for three days in a row!  This is such a relief to me as I am sure it is to all of you.  I can now focus on my job, my girl and any paperwork that needs doing.  I know it’s because of all of the prayers from all of you.  I thank you.  I also got some sleep over the weekend.  A lot of sleep.  It felt good.

Speaking of paperwork.  I have to sign papers on a yearly basis.  Once for the boys group home. Once for the county.  And once for his work program.  Usually, this is done at a meeting but I refuse to attend this year.  I think you can all guess why.  Anyway, I’ve had the group homes paperwork here for about two weeks. I finally pulled it out to complete it yesterday.  I was gob smacked when I came across the last two forms.  The first one was basically giving the house manager (the evil witch) permission to help my boy exercise his rights.  The second one was basically giving my guardianship rights away.  Yes, I was angry!  Of course, I will not sign either.  The interesting part is there have never been forms in the packet such as these in the past.  I’m assuming they think I am too stupid to catch it.  Well, the surprise is on them!

I went to work full of optimism this morning. It was a good day. Although, remember my bathroom incident last week?  Well, today I was in the bathroom and we went into a code yellow lock down.  I’m starting to get a little paranoid about using the restroom at work anymore!

I received a few sweet surprises today.  A dear friend and a co-worker gave me the loveliest bar of lavender soap.  I will delight in my next bath and think of her kindness!  I arrived home to find a small package in the mail, addressed to me from another dear friend.  It is a necklace made out of an old spoon and old jewelry. It’s really lovely.  But, here’s the best part (I’m sorry to those it may offend), it says “Classy, Sassy and a Bit Smart Assy!”  I love it as it does pretty much describe me!  I’m back.  At least for today.  And the above it the way I want to live!

Shine On!

Jill

You are off the Hook

I’ve been given some advice and I’ve been thinking it over ever since.

I’m gong to stop linking my blog to Facebook.  I am sure you can figure out the why.

Therefore, you can stop reading my blog, you will have to stop by and subscribe to get it via email. If you don’t want to do that, you’re off the hook and no longer need to read me!  Either way, all is good.

Shine On!

Jill

The Letter I’d Like to Write

To Whom it May Concern:

I thank all of you for your sudden interest in my son’s life. I am relieved and pleased to know that you are all looking out for him and protecting him from his evil mother.  To assist you, I’d like to give you some background information so that you may further your case against me.

At 26 years old, I had radical surgery.  I was told I was unable to bare children.  Many women fall apart at the news.  I did not as I know it was Gods plan.  My ex and I began the adoption process almost immediately.  We opened up our lives, our homes, the lives of our family to anyone that cared to see who we were and what we were about.  We answered endless questions from the county.  Questions only adoptive parents have to answer.  Would we accept an older child?  Yes.  Would we accept a child with special needs?  Yes!  Does that include a child with glasses?  Yes!  Tell us your income.  Tell us your religion.  Tell us about your upbringing.  Tell us, tell us, tell us everything.  We gladly and willingly did so.

We waited.  Then waited some more.  Then one day, we got a call that a young boy, 2.5 years old was available and did we want to me him.  Yes!  No hesitation.  Yes!  We went to to meet this waif of a child at his preschool.  The moment he turned and looked to us with his big brown eyes and a smile that could melt anyone, we knew he was ours.

Our life began.  Family and friends embraced our son.  They celebrated our new family with us.  Our son went from speaking one to two words at a time to chattering away.  He was truly excited about life.  It showed on his face.  The foster mom told us he didn’t like meat.  For our first meal, I made pork chops.  He couldn’t get enough.  This little boy ate 3 of them, plus all of the other side items.

He continued preschool and I continued to work.  Life was amazing.  I stayed up with him when he was sick.  I stayed home with him when he didn’t feel well.  We discovered the joy he exuded watching the popcorn pop and climbing onto the couch with a huge bowl of it to share with mom and dad.  He couldn’t wait to experience life and we were along for the ride!

And then the calls started.  There we a lot of behavior issues.  I don’t need to share details.  But the calls kept coming.  It was getting difficult to do my job and be a mom.  We decided it was time for me to stay at home and be a full time mom.  Our son needed me and he was the most important person in my life.

The issues continued at preschool, but calmed a bit with me being at home.  He eventually went onto grade school and the calls kept coming.  By the time he was 12, our marriage fell apart and I was left to care for he and his sister alone.  I went back to work, leaving my career behind and become a paraprofessional in an elementary school.  I figured if anyone would understand my needs as a parent of special needs children, a school would.  I didn’t make much money.  Peanuts really.  But it was enough for us to live along with their child support. I continued to field calls from school up to and through the last day of 12th grade.  I took a lot of time off of work for medical appointments, psychiatrist and psychologists appointments.

My boy has had a hard history.  He was physically abused as an infant.  He was sexually abused twice, once at 10 and once in school by another child of similar abilities.  The drive to the detectives office was torturous.   It was my children  and me.   I’ve always been pretty shy.  Sometimes, I can fake it.  But my vernacular completely changed. I had to start getting comfortable saying the word penis to the doctors, medical and mental as more inappropriate behaviors were surfacing the older he got.

I got him the help he needed.  The doctors and county were always supportive of me and very helpful when I called out for help. However, there were many days and many nights it was just my children and I.  I had a daughter I also had to protect, sadly, from her brother.

We eked out a routine.  There were lots of bumps but we coined ourselves the three musketeers. Our lives became a little smaller as we stayed close to home. It was safer that way.  A lot of people out there are cruel.  They don’t understand special needs people.  Yes, we did the usual stuff, but it wasn’t always easy to find an accepting church or sports program.  As he got older, grocery shopping became a challenge.  But, he stayed in school, no matter how much he was teased.  He worked part time.  We laughed and we loved.

My son graduated high school.  A feat the doctors all applauded.  He turned 18.  And then it stopped.  He didn’t want to listen anymore.  The police were called on him by a neighbor once.  Thankfully, I spoke to the neighbor and avoided a visit by them. I’ve done my best to make sure he didn’t get tangled up in the legal system.  I was sleeping no more than an hour a day.  I had to keep him safe.  I had to keep my daughter safe.  I had to keep others safe.  No, he’s not a monster.  He just didn’t understand that some of his behaviors are unacceptable in society.  I couldn’t do it alone any longer and had to make the hardest decision of my life, to place him in a group home.  You’ll will never comprehend the tears this mother cried.  But, I knew it was the right thing. Not for me, but for him.

For 11 years, he spent time in several different homes.  Of course there were hiccups but it worked.  I stayed involved in his life.   Some would say too much.  But as parents, we learn as we go.  Then he moved to his current residence. He’s been there two years now.  And that’s when things began to change.  He no longer cared about his appearance.  He quit his job.  He became depressed.  He became heavily influenced to turn his family away.  He is sleeping on nothing more than a thread bare mattress pad.  He’s watching porn.  He has no responsibilities.  He doesn’t care anymore.  About anything. He has turned his back on his family. His family has not turned their back on him.

I have been accused of stealing his money and now not being a good guardian and mother.  Let me ask  you something since you seem to know him so well.  Where were you when he was up crying at night?  Where were you when all of those calls were coming in about his behavior?  Where were you when the police were called?  Where are you now?  Now, that people have observed emotional abuse being executed against him.  Now, that he’s sleeping on a thread bare mattress pad in a house that hangs their escape plan maps upside down?  Where were you when I had to fight for his rights for 18 years alone?  When I had to hold him when he cried?  Where were you?

Where are you now?  You’re all hiding behind 245D.  Where were you when I was fighting for his rights for all of those years?  Where were you when I was trying to teach him right from wrong.  Where were you when I tried to teach him to love himself.  Where were you?

Here’s what you’ve all done for my son. You have destroyed his family.  You have taught his not to care.  You have taught him there are no consequences in this world.  You have taught him he is the only one that matters.  YOU have taught him to believe in a system that DOES NOT care about him!  You have taught him to turn his back on those that LOVE HIM.  That’s what you and 245D have taught him.

For 20 years, I have been a dedicated mom.  I put my children first.  I make sure their needs are met. I set my needs aside.  I’ve stayed home nights and weekends.  I have been their rock.  I have and will continue to fight FOR them.  I don’t go out. I haven’t date it 20 years.  I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE A MOM FIRST!

I’m one mother.  I love deep and wide.   All I wanted was a happy, well adjusted son.  Thanks to you, he’s being destroyed one piece at a time.

A very ungrateful mother,

Jill

God Has a Sense of Humor

I managed to get to work yesterday.  I even made it through the entire day.  My co-workers and friends were kind but not too nice and I thank them. I was tired.  Deep, in the soul, tired. The tears were there, ready to flow, but they all kept me in check.  I thank them.  I thank the ones that gave me a card full of God’s love and blessings.

I really thought I was doing quite well, considering all that is going on.  This years schedule actually allows me time to use the restroom, a rare commodity in my line of work.  I found my moment and entered the rest room.  Imagine my surprise as I sat there and the door opened wide to reveal the presence of a male teacher.  I had forgotten to lock the door!  I was sick.  I mean, ill.  I was so utterly embarrassed.  The worst part of this is the fact that I am in his room every day for a class.  Today will be a true testament to my true grit.  Luckily, by the end of the day, I could laugh about it.  But at 10:10 this morning, when I face “him”, I pray I can still laugh.

Moving on, I almost got to the end of the day when I got a call from the girl.  She was nearly crying due to “extreme” pain in her calf.  I’ve been in this place before.  Once, years ago, she had a blood clot.  Since then, I’ve rushed her in to have an ultra sound one to many times only to discover it’s a muscular issue.  So, yesterday, after work, we spent three hours doctoring. I am thankful there is nothing seriously wrong but neither one of us “needed” to be doing that yesterday.  All I could think of all day long was coming home to take a short cat nap before supper.

Upon returning home, I heated up a bowl of soup (I picked up something for the girl on the way home).   I’d only had an apple for lunch and the soup was soothing.  I had a pile of mail staring me in my face and I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

When I reached into the mailbox, I immediately noticed mail from my son’s court appointed attorney and the court administrator.  I inhaled deeply and tore them open, one at a time.  The attorney’s letter was the same he had emailed me a long with my son’s letter to the court requesting I be removed as his guardian. The words still sting. Anyone that knows my son, would know he did not write this letter.  He does not have any of the skills available to construct such a letter.  I wasn’t surprised but it makes me mad.  Moving on to the  court administrators letter was causing me a bit more angst.  It needn’t have, as it was just reporting to me that the attorney filed a motion with the court regarding the guardianship.  There was one line that shocked me.  It states, in part: ” Reasonable attorney’s fees shall be paid to the attorney by the guardian or conservator.” So, on top of not doing anything wrong, other than loving my child, I have to pay for this insanity!  There is something seriously wrong with this system!

The county is moving forward.  It’s a slow pace but they know what they are doing.  The ex remains ready to help.  My family and friends are a gift.

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. I am hoping it does.  It’s good cleaning weather.  I need to clean.  It’s always the first to go when I get stressed.

No matter what is going on, I know today is a gift and I will look for the good.  Yes, I got a warm welcome back to school from “my boys” and a hug from an unexpected source. I can’t let the evil make me bitter.  Look for the good today and…

Shine On!

Jill