The Fire Within

I had a day at home yesterday.  The  first two hours  of the morning were spent on the phone regarding the boy.  I was taken out to lunch by a friend.  I came home to more phone calls and a delivery of flowers.  I have had offers of financial help to fight the courts.  I’ve had call, emails, texts and messages offering love and support.  To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement.  There will never be words enough to express my undying gratitude.

I did hear from the group home via email.  Their two points of concern were financial.  That tells me a lot.  It was hard for me to reply but I did.

I have puzzled many of you by my calm demeanor.  Let me assure you, I know it’s due to prayer. I have turned this all over to God.  I trust in Him.  I know many of you are waiting for the fight in me to come out.  The safety and rights of those with special needs, has, after all, been my passion for 30 years.

The fire never really went out.  I needed to pause.  I needed to breath.  I needed to not just react.  Here is my plan.  For now, I’m leaving the issues with my son to my ex (the first time I have been able to count on him) and the county.  My ex has been amazing.  Words I never thought I would say.  He’s got my back.  And maybe, being the dad, he can actually help me.  He’s promised to be here for me, whether from afar or by coming to MN.  He wants to take the stress away.  He spoke to the county yesterday.  They have a plan.  I’ve decided to let them do the heavy lifting.

At this point, I have to stay away from the direct battle with the group home over my son.  It is agreed by all that something far deeper is going on.  It is agreed by all that they are after me.  We don’t understand why but they are.  If I do something, anything, it is wrong. If I do nothing, it is wrong.  All in their eyes.  At this point, they have the power.  I can’t fight them all.  But here’s what I can and will do.  I will wait.  I want someone in higher authority to give me definitive answers regarding my rights.  At that time, I will act.  I have told the county I will file any and all complaints that they deem viable to file.

I know this.  There will be set backs.  There will be progress.  There will be tears.  There will be frustration.  But I believe good will prevail.  I’ve got an army surrounding me with love and God is in charge of that army.  Who would I be not to believe?  I have to accept this will all happen in His time, not mine.

For the first time in the years of battles, I am willing to wait.  To be patient. It is what is right.  I think of the boy all of the time.  He will need a lot of help when this is over.  I need to be here for him then, if he wants me.  But I have made a decision regarding our relationship.  I am choosing to let it go.  I do not want to spend the rest of my years fighting with him.  I would rather walk away now and pray that one day, he will look back with fondness and love.  That he will one day realize, how much I cared.  I know he knows it now but his mind is not clear.

I’m going back to work today.  I’m looking forward to getting back to “my boys” and my friends.  There is a caveat though.  Coworkers and friends, please take note.  My mom used to tell people not to be nice to her when she was struggling.  I didn’t get it then.  I get it now.  Please don’t be kind to me, I’ll cry if you are.  It’s just another Thursday at work, for a very grateful girl.

Shine On!



Author: jillymaddy

I'm a 50's something single mom of two special needs kids that I adore to the moon and back. This is my story of our highs and lows.

2 thoughts on “The Fire Within”

  1. I am so happy for you that your ex is stepping up to take some of this burden off your shoulders. I am also glad your so surrounded in love and friendship and your bond with God. You do SHINE ON, sweet cousin of mine!


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