The Unexpected

I’ve never been one that is full of confidence.  In high school, I was painfully shy.  One day, I broke out of my shell and did a well received dance in the school talent show. After all of these years, I still can’t believe I did it. All I can say is that the song spoke to me and I spread my wings.  It helped me gain a little confidence.  Little, being the operative word.

During my marriage, I didn’t have much confidence.  Actually, I probably presented otherwise but inside, I was flailing, miserably. My ex certainly didn’t help me gain any confidence either.  Multiple affairs will do that do a girl.  I was pretty successful in my career but being fed negative input at home made it difficult to believe in myself.

I’ve mentioned before that, as a single mom, of two special needs children, I learned early on that I had better present a self confidence aura in order to establish myself as a a viable advocate for my children.  I’ve  been pretty successful at it.  Even with everything that is currently going on, I still try to present myself that way.

But underneath the bravado, is a girl that is constantly questioning herself.  I should say, a woman, that is constantly questioning herself.  I always wonder if compliments I receive are sincere. Not because I doubt the person, rather I doubt that I am truly worthy of the compliments.  I tend to presume that people are just being kind.

Putting myself out in the dating world was very uncharacteristic for me.  I was sure I would be laughed at and would never have anyone sincerely interested in me. But, I’ve been very lucky to have made a few good friends.  Some that are willing to put themselves on the line, for me.  It’s a very foreign idea to me.  I’ll do what I can for others but I do not like to ask for help or expect others to help me.

I am the same way when I am working.  I am there to do my job and I do not expect people to like me.  I don’t expect to make friends.  I’m a bit (or maybe a lot) set in my ways.  I always hope people will like me, but I don’t expect it.

That’s why this weekend was so special for me!  I reconnected with a friend I thought I had lost and is very important to me.  I reconnected with my longest and dearest friend. I had a couple of girls call me and asked to come over to visit last night.  We talked and laughed and even shed a few tears.

Even at my ripe old age, I still feel like a teenager, at heart.  I’m just a girl trying to make it through this world in a positive way.  I’m no one special.  But, I do love and I love big and I love deep.  To receive any love back is a true blessing.  To those of you that give of yourself so freely, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.   I am so grateful for your friendship and love.  Without you, I wouldn’t  be here. So thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you so much. I love you all.

Shine On!

Jill

 

 

 

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Author: jillymaddy

I'm a 50's something single mom of two special needs kids that I adore to the moon and back. This is my story of our highs and lows.

2 thoughts on “The Unexpected”

  1. I am so happy for you! You deserve love, friendship and compliments. You are a warrior for your children and loyal to your friends. I love you BIG!

    ~ Valerie

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