I’ve never been one that is full of confidence. In high school, I was painfully shy. One day, I broke out of my shell and did a well received dance in the school talent show. After all of these years, I still can’t believe I did it. All I can say is that the song spoke to me and I spread my wings. It helped me gain a little confidence. Little, being the operative word.
During my marriage, I didn’t have much confidence. Actually, I probably presented otherwise but inside, I was flailing, miserably. My ex certainly didn’t help me gain any confidence either. Multiple affairs will do that do a girl. I was pretty successful in my career but being fed negative input at home made it difficult to believe in myself.
I’ve mentioned before that, as a single mom, of two special needs children, I learned early on that I had better present a self confidence aura in order to establish myself as a a viable advocate for my children. I’ve been pretty successful at it. Even with everything that is currently going on, I still try to present myself that way.
But underneath the bravado, is a girl that is constantly questioning herself. I should say, a woman, that is constantly questioning herself. I always wonder if compliments I receive are sincere. Not because I doubt the person, rather I doubt that I am truly worthy of the compliments. I tend to presume that people are just being kind.
Putting myself out in the dating world was very uncharacteristic for me. I was sure I would be laughed at and would never have anyone sincerely interested in me. But, I’ve been very lucky to have made a few good friends. Some that are willing to put themselves on the line, for me. It’s a very foreign idea to me. I’ll do what I can for others but I do not like to ask for help or expect others to help me.
I am the same way when I am working. I am there to do my job and I do not expect people to like me. I don’t expect to make friends. I’m a bit (or maybe a lot) set in my ways. I always hope people will like me, but I don’t expect it.
That’s why this weekend was so special for me! I reconnected with a friend I thought I had lost and is very important to me. I reconnected with my longest and dearest friend. I had a couple of girls call me and asked to come over to visit last night. We talked and laughed and even shed a few tears.
Even at my ripe old age, I still feel like a teenager, at heart. I’m just a girl trying to make it through this world in a positive way. I’m no one special. But, I do love and I love big and I love deep. To receive any love back is a true blessing. To those of you that give of yourself so freely, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so grateful for your friendship and love. Without you, I wouldn’t be here. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you all.