The world is spinning. Sometimes, out of control. I’ve had so many people tell me lately that it’s dark. A dark place. A dark time. I won’t contest their view point. I’d just like to offer mine.
It’s a given. I have problems. You have problems. Everyone has problems. If we’re alive, problems are going to happen. We can’t control the world or anyone else but ourselves. What we can control is our attitude.
Take the issues with my son, for example. I’m now back to being done. I’m throwing in the towel. I’ve spoken to him twice and that is a positive thing and I will continue to do so. I love the guy. He’s my son. What I won’t do it bend, bow or beg the county or anyone else to do anything anymore. I’m not going to worry day and night anymore. I’m going to do my thing and let all of the entities do their thing. There will be home visits, plans put into place and meetings conducted. I won’t be a part of them. The final straw came last week. When the county and another lady were here the previous week, they scared me. I mean, really scared me. Not just about the welfare of my son but about my own safety. They assured me they’d make a surprise visit to the home and that people were investigating the home. I waited for an update from the visit. I waited a day. Then I waited 3 days. I wrote and asked for even a tidbit of what they learned. I waited a week. I finally got an email with an update. It didn’t even sound like the same people. It didn’t even sound like my son’s case. They asked me to correct mistakes the home made. I flatly refused. I’m not cleaning up anyone’s else’s messes anymore. Period.
I know I sound nasty. I sound defeated. I am. To a degree. But through this dark and challenging time, I can see some light. I refuse to go inside myself and to stay there. It’s my choice. I’m not going down with the ship. I know some things. While it’s not to my standards, the boy will be checked on. Everyone is on notice now. The boy seems happy when I call him. I’m not going to lie awake at night anymore. I’m letting go. This time, I’m not turning back.
I mentioned some of the good above but there’s more. The boy is growing. I am hoping in a good way. The sun still shines. The stars still shine and the moon glows at night. Walking still does me good. I did three miles yesterday. I smelled the chilly spring air, watched two snow geese fly over head, sidestepped the melting snow and cleared my head. I gave thanks for all the good in my life and there is plenty to be thankful for. There always is. We just have to look for it.
I’m going to use my energy for good. I have a friend that needs a little boost. I bought a bunch of cards to send them. I made a donation to the food shelf (even when I’m broke, someone is worse off), I did a few random acts of kindness. I can’t do a lot. But I do what I can. I won’t give up. I won’t be beaten down.
I hope you all find the joy in your life. It’s there. Really.