The Boy

There has been a lot going on regarding the boy, most of it is behind the scenes.  I got to get an idea of what’s happening the other day.  My children share the same county case manager.  She has been wonderful.  I hadn’t spoken to her in some time.  She was at the girls potential group home with us the other day.  As soon as she got out of the car, she looked at me and said “I’m so sorry.”  My response was a question, “Sorry?  Why are you sorry?”  She responded “About everything.”  As we said goodbye, I hugged her.  She’s as upset as I am.  She is going her best on our behave.

I understand a little more of what the county is doing.  Do I appreciate the time frame they are doing it under?  Of course not.  I’m also disappointed to learn that the county employees that witnessed the emotional abuse are not being believed by their superiors.  Therefore, all past evidence we have gathered, must be thrown out.  The people I work with are now starting over and as they move forward, will document everything that transpires.  There are people that will be visiting the home, hopefully, most “visits” will be impromptu.  There are a few things they have asked  me to do and to also document what happens.  I’ll confess to feeling uncomfortable with the requests but I will comply with  most of them.   It seems very surreal that I am “afraid” to even call my own son, but I am. However, I am still not comfortable going to the home, with or without the county being with me.  A very sexist remark on my part but I’d rather have a burly guy or two with me than other women.  That’s just a reflection on how much I do not trust them.

There have been concerns raised regarding finances.  I can’t give any more details on that at this time.  Red flags just keep creeping up every time we turn around.

The county would also like me to obtain an attorney.  I’m still refusing to.  Not just because of the cost but more so because I have nothing to hide.  They can spew any lies they would like at me and I will stand strong in the truth (ok, I might, nah, I will cry but it’s OK) but even more importantly, I am not going to fight the guardianship.

I’m on spring break this week.  I always appreciate my school schedule as it gives me time to catch up on things. The girl has therapy two days this week and I have many calls and a meeting  planned.

I’ll also try to get into the depths of the girls room to try to reduce the mass of collected items over that past 24 years.  If you don’t hear from me, send help.  There could be an avalanche!

Shine On!



Things are Changing

This has the potential of being a long post.  I will do my best to brief things up.

The girl and I got in the car yesterday and went to her first therapy appointment for her lip edema. Both feet and legs, up to the knee ,are wrapped.  The wrap can’t get wet so it’s sponge baths and mom washing her hair.  It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.  It was actually quite nice.  From there, we ran a few errands and grabbed a light lunch.  Next, I typed the group homes address into my phone and followed the directions ‘Betty’ threw at me. At this point in time, I sensed nervousness in the girl.  At one point, I could see her fighting back tears.  Needless to say, my tummy was doing flips and flops and I was fighting back my own tears as I reassured her all would be wonderful.

We toured the inside.  Her room would be on the lower level. There are pros and cons to that.  It’s smaller than her room now.  We might just HAVE to part with a few stuffed animals (Hallelujah!).  After the tour, we all sat down to chat.  The woman that was in charge was very nice.  I immediately knew she had a caring heart when I managed to share my concerns about bed time.  She sweetly smiled and assured me staff would be very happy to step in to assist with that.  Made me feel good for the girl, but my heart was breaking a little at a time.  More good news for the girl, she can take her cat with her.  *sigh*  It’s really going to be lonely around here and I will, once again, be redefining my life.  I should be good at it, by now, but with each passing decade, it becomes a bit more of a challenge.   At any rate,  I will take the girl to the group home on Wednesday evening so that she will be able to have dinner with the other girls.  She already knows two of them from her day program so that’s a huge plus!  Barring any difficulties there,  she is ready to move.  I’m not sure how quickly this will happen but I imagine in about 2 weeks as they have to paint “her” room.

She’s busy on her computer today, searching for wall decals for her new room.  I’m feeling pretty good that I haven’t let my anxiety and sadness over shadow her excitement.

As I keep repeating, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time…breath, just breath…

My next entry will be an update on the boy.  I’ll leave you with this, it’s not getting any easier but I have more support from the county than I thought.  It just takes too darn long, in my  book.

Shine On!


It’s Happening!

I was very surprised last night when I got the multitude of texts, emails and phone calls announcing school for today was canceled!  I do not remember a time that school was called off due to a forecast.  Even the girls work announced they’d be closed today.

It was icy pretty early this morning.  And then, nothing.  For about the last hour, it’s been kind of a sleet/snow mix where I’m at.  They keep promising a dumping.  Time will tell.

I had decided last night, that today would be a good day to sit with the girl and to tell her about our appointment to look at a group home on Friday.  I took a good soak in the tub and shed a lot of tears.  I’m still hoping to do it today but I need to toughen up first. How?  I’m not sure. I’ve got so many thoughts racing through my head that it would be unfair of me to bring it up right at the moment.

I began this post this morning.  I’ve since had the dialog with the girl.  I can finally breath!  I keep telling all of you how amazing these special needs people are!  She took it like a champ!  NO TEARS!  She even said “I’m ready to move.”  It can only be the answer to prayers.  You’re prayers for us and I thank you deeply!  I know there will be ups and down, for both of us, but the ice has been broken.  Now, I just have to hope and pray it’s a “good” place for her.  I will let you know!

Another little piece of good news today. I got this response from the county person I last wrote to and here is her response, in part:

“You are a strong woman and you have been through a lot with the boy over the years.  I am sorry this has been such a difficult time.”  She went on to say she would get back to be no later than Wednesday with some answers.  I will eagerly await those answers but she made me feel good with her response as it’s personal!  It will hold me for a few days.

So for now, I’m holding on.  And grateful for a few good tidbits of news.  I hope you get some good news too.


Shine On!





Heavy Minded

It was a night of little sleep and when I did sleep, the sleep was riddled with nightmares.  If there is a positive to it all, it has propelled me into action, once again.

Most of the night was spent dreaming of the boy and his situation.  I got up and fired off another letter to the county.  I’m now two above his case manager with the county.  This one is one I consider to be an old friend.  She was there with me when I first had to place my boy into a crisis group home.  I’m hoping she remembers my angst and tears as I walked away, leaving him there, and the support she and my dear friend provided to see me through.  I’m not sure exactly as to where I will go if I am not provided answers from her, but it will be someone.  I’ve had a few suggest I contact the Attorney Generals office and many feel contacting the press is best.  Either way will take a huge emotional toll and a very large time commitment.  I can’t live without answers.  The girl is very weighed down with all of this. She can’t understand how her brother could desert her. I will keep you posted.

The other side of the parenting coin is that Friday is right around the corner.  I have not had the talk with the girl yet.  I have brought up group homes in general and reminding her that is our goal for her.  She seems content with it all but I know my girl.  When she goes away with her day (infrequently) she doesn’t call me.  She told me she can’t because she doesn’t want to cry.  I’m proud of her for being able to identify the problem and solving it so she may move forward.  But it makes me so sad at the same time.  The worst part for me will be nighttime.  She’s 24, but there have only been a handful of times I have not tucked her in and sung her the lullaby I “wrote” for her.

“Hush a by, my angel girl, lullaby, my Princess *****, I hope you know, I love you so, for all your days.  Hush a by, my angel girl, lullaby, my Princess *****, close your eyes and go to sleep now and dream sweetly through the night.”

Who will cover her up at night, sing to her and kiss her goodnight?  Who will tuck me in and wipe away my tears?

All while dealing with the emotional side of everything, I’m left to deal with the financial side of things.  I’m hoping with spring break in another week, I’ll be able to find some answers to most questions.

I know everyone reading this has their own struggles.  I’m here for you.  Always.  Please, don’t forget that.  No matter what I’m dealing with, I am here.  For you!

Shine On!


Don’t Miss Out

I had a huge realization today. Maybe it’s Joe Cocker blasting.  Or the spring temps.  I’m not sure.  But I’m glad.

Through 10 years of a bad marriage and then twenty years as a single woman, I missed out on a lot.  I mean, a whole lot!

Believing my ex and not believing in myself are the two biggest mistakes I made.  I allowed my ex to hold me back well after he left.  I was a fool.  I missed so much.  I’m still not great at believing in myself and I have a hard time accepting compliments, but I am stronger and I’d like to think wiser now.

I’m learning a lot about love.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Real love doesn’t run away.  Real love works through issues.  Real love is there for the taking, if you open yourself up to it.  Real love forgives.  Real love hurts.  Real love lifts you up.  Real love accepts all there is to you, not just the convenient parts.  Real love is laughter, excitement and joy.  Real love is music. Real love communicates. Real love cares.  Real love isn’t afraid to be expressive.  Real love is worth it. Real love is quiet.  Real love is peace.  Real love is soft.  Real love is tough. Real love is patient.  Real love is understanding.  Real love is undeniable.

I’m learning that I’m OK.  Far from perfect, but I’m OK.  I have quirks, I have bad habits, I can be silly, I can be sad, I can be hurting, I can be mad.  But you know what?  It’s all OK. No more judgement. Know what else I’ve learned?  I am more than just a “mom.”  You have no idea the freedom that has provided me.

So the moral of this story?  Don’t let anything and I mean anything, hold you back.  Not your age.  Not your situation.  No one.  Not anyone.  Jump on out there.  The water is just fine!

Shine On!


My Girl

It was a pretty good week at school again but I’m glad it’s over.

Remember “my” guy that called me creepy (all in fun, I promise)?  This week I was promoted.  He told me I was his girl. Be still my heart!  I almost broke out in tears right then and there.  This young man brings so much joy and love to so many!  I won’t mention how many times he “fired” me though.  Tears and laughter and heart full of love, the benefits for doing what I do.

We are continuing to work on social skills.  Today, we concentrated of saying thank you.  From the struggles they had, you’d be quite convinced we were asking them to recite the Declaration of Independence.  Red faces and a lot of heavy sighs.  Before my boss had to leave the room for a few moments, she asked my co-worker and I to continue practicing with the boys.  What easier way to get a thank you than going back to giving compliments.  I illicited  a few mumbled thank yous all while they shook their heads.  Before I knew it, I had the one turn to me and loudly and quite convincingly tell me “nice eyes!”  He always makes me smile!  They both do.  Anyway, I thanked him and intended to carry on.  He had other ideas.  He went onto tell me I had nice ears.  I giggled and said “You can’t even see my ears, but thank you!”  Before we got too carried away, my boss returned and I think she was pleased when the boys said thank you in nice, clear tones at the appropriate times.

I don’t often talk about the “other” side of being a para.  It too is “Not For the Faint of Heart.”  Or for that matter, anyone that’s vain.  These kids are honest.  Brutally honest.  They never intend to hurt anyone’s feelings, they just freely state their opinions.  Thankfully, I learned early on that it’s not just me.  Most paras get “schooled” by these kids, at one time or another.  Some examples? I had one today that wanted to play with my hair. He wasn’t a fan of my hair  spray.  An 8th grade boy. I still can’t figure that out!  He also likes my upper arms, as pillows!  He is also, forever, interested in my love life and is convinced  I have one chance and one chance only, to get married again.  They aren’t afraid to tell someone they have “coffee” breath.  I have one that critiques my makeup and jewelry everyday!  Thank goodness, I have passed his standards.  Well, except one day when he told me I looked like a clown due to my makeup. I had one drill me on what kind of toothpaste I use.  I’m not quite sure but I think it was a insult.  But you know what?  None of it matters when you know they like you. They really like you. And you just love them to pieces!

Even when they call you creepy!

Shine On!





On a Dime

I don’t know why it still takes me by surprise how fast a day, week, month can turn around.  It’s happened before and it will happen again.  Surprising phone calls, texts  and  or emails can make life take a completely different turn than we expect.

I’ve mentioned before that I know it’s necessary for the girl to move to a group home.  It’s not a want.  It’s a need.  I won’t live forever.  I need to know she’s in a safe place.  I know what you’re thinking, I worry about it too after what’s happened with the boy, but I have to forge ahead.  It’s not going to be easy.

Why am I bringing it up today?  I got an email that there is an opening in an all female group home not far from here.  We’re going to look at it on March 9th.  I’ll be honest, when I read the email, my tummy started doing flip flops. A little excitement for her.  Feeling ill for me. All day yesterday, including last night, I had a feeling of impending doom.  I now know this is why.

It’s not going to be easy.  She’s matured a lot but she’s my girl.  It’s been the two of us alone for 14 years.  I often talk about my love for her.  It grows every day.  The flip side?  We can drive each other mad.  She’s strong.  She’s tough.  She’s tender.  She’s soft.  She’s determined. She’s more stubborn than me and that says a whole lot!  As  with any adult child, she’s tired of me telling her what to do.

I know there will be tears.  Lots of tears.  From her and from me. I pray she doesn’t fight it.  I pray I can be strong enough to do it. I can’t imagine not having her here with me, every day and every night.   Wow.  Just typing that made my heart hurt.  But, the mind knows it’s what needs to happen.

It will affect my life style immensely.  I’m not quite sure how I’ll swing it financially but I’ll do what I always do. I’ll take one moment at a time and try not to “borrow trouble.” I’ll have to find a summer job.  That doesn’t thrill me but I’ll have to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.

Granted, this home may not work out for a myriad of reasons, but the process has begun and it’s become all too real.

Parenting; it’s not for the faint of heart.

Shine On!