The girls move has hit home. For both of us.
I’ve kept very busy (job hunting, cleaning, catching up with friends, etc).
The girl has made a lot of great concessions and continues to grow through this adjustment. Forgive me mom, but it “ain’t” been easy the last two weekends. I’ve had an incessant amount of calls the last two weekends. And by incessant, I’m talking literally 43 calls of Saturday. No, I didn’t speak to her 43 times, but she tried to get to speak to me 43 times. Most, I missed quite accidentally but I will confess, a few I just didn’t pick up.
I’m walking quite a tight rope, right now, as is she. She’s doing the best she can. Yet, some of her more “challenging” traits are rearing their ugly head. She’s obsessing over little things, well, big things, to her. The past two Saturdays, she’s called me in tears, begging me to come and take her out of “here.” I know why and I assure you all, she’s not in any danger. She’s missing some structure to her weekends and it’s not a good thing for her. She does better if a plan is in place and we stick to the plan. It’s caused the obsessiveness to take over control. We’re trying to work through it. I try to explain things to her. I try to redirect her. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, it doesn’t.
She goes from being very happy and content there to very being depressed she is there, even though she likes the other clients, most of the staff, her room and the food. Her basic needs are being met, although, it will never be like home. There are things I’m trying to work out with the home that I think will make things better but as with everything, it’s a process, and one that is often too slow for my liking, or the girls. I’m afraid she learned that from me. Mom likes to have a plan and to “get ‘er done.” Doesn’t always work out in the big world.
All the while she’s bouncing back and forth, I’m trying to remain a constant, reliable adult. A lot of days, I just want to turn in my parent card and stop adulting. Anyone else with me? If she only knew. If all of our kids only knew that when they flail, we flail. I go back and forth on knowing what I need to do and feeling guilty about it to feeling guilty for not bringing her home. It’s not an enviable position. It’s emotionally draining. I’m constantly questioning myself. Am I just being selfish? She says I am. Am I doing the right thing? She thinks I’m not. What else can I do? Bring her home, she says. Can I do better? Yes, she says, come and take me shopping. I know I’m not alone in this. Every parent faces these trying times in one fashion or another. I remind myself it’s just my turn.
I’ve always been one to second, and third, and fourth and fifty times guess myself. I wear myself out. I’m the adult. I’m supposed to have the answers. Maybe one day I will but I’m not counting on it. I just keep telling her and myself that this is a process we both have to go through. That we both have to deal with things we don’t like. I promise her things will get better. I pray I’m right because I really try not to lie.
To every parent struggling out there, join me in hanging on. I’m sending you all a high five. We’re all doing the best you can and that is a pretty big thing! How do I know that? I know because we love them and they really do love us, no matter what they may say.
She’ll be OK. I’ll be OK. You’ll be OK.