Fair warning. This is not a pretty post. And, well, I’m tired so who knows how this will all come out. Stay tuned, only if you dare.
The girl is back home. At least for now. Things didn’t go well at the group home. She wasn’t always an angel but there were a lot of other things that went on too. Placing a “child” into another’s care is always a leap of faith, whether they are special needs or not.
The first three months went pretty well. There were many frustrations for the girl as well as for myself. The girl has a low frustration level. Due to short staffing many outings were planned and then canceled. While you and I can understand all of the nuisances of that, she doesn’t. It leads to a lot of irritability. That led the group home to make appointments with her psychiatrist which led to too many medications that made her extremely tired and zombie like. I can’t and won’t tolerate that and I am in the process of shopping for a new doctor.
I think I’ve mentioned here that she was also given a kitten by a good hearted staff member only to have the kitten taken away due to house rules. That was a very devastating blow for her. I’ll spare you the details but I’m sure you can imagine the buckets of tears that caused. The girl also spent a lot of her own money on cat supplies too. Another loss but nothing like losing the love of a new kitten.
What some referred to as defiance, I regarded as being unhappy with herself and situations that arose there. Since being home, she has expressed a lot of self loathing. Not something any mom wants to ever hear. I’m trying to give her plenty of love and encouragement but am failing as I am so tired. I called in a dear friend the other day that did her a world of good but we will be having our little battles as she tries to adjust to my rules again. I have found her to be more helpful and that’s great news!
I’ve discovered several untruths in reports from the group home. The most disturbing is they had me convinced she was not behaving at work. I had a long conversation with her work yesterday and they have not seen any significant behavior issues at all! They are still extremely pleased with her work ethic and are also concerned about how tired she is. In fact, she literally fell asleep at a table there the other day.
There are other things but the turning point for me was on Saturday morning. She called and told me she was in trouble because she locked the door to the bathroom while she was taking her shower. That caused another resident to have an accident. I never realized there was only one bathroom in the home and the rule is not to lock the door. Ick!
Most of what they complained about all reflects back to me and the way I have raised my child. It’s a lot to take in. I feel like I am hanging by a thread right now but my main concern is the girl.
I just hung up from the pharmacist and they too were stunned at the amount of medications she is taking. She walked me through what I could and couldn’t eliminate or decrease and how to do so. Thank goodness for reliable people. I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants the last few days but it turns out my gut instincts about the medications have been on point. At least that’s one thing I’ve done right.
I have always been one to second guess myself and parenting has not been left out of that trait. Now, I find myself questioning myself over and over and over again. It’s hard to listen to “experts” and to tell them they are wrong. However, there are times they ARE WRONG! To all of you parents out there, remember that. My friend reminded me I know the girl better than anyone and to trust myself. I always used to believe that. I’m not so sure anymore. But, I am trying.
What I do know is I’ll be leaning on others through this and that in and of itself, isn’t easy for me. I have two children and I feel like I have failed them both. I feel like a fraud. It’s a tough wake up call but at least I still have a chance of fixing things. At least, I hope I do. Right now, I am tired and irritable. I need to work on that. I don’t like it when I get crabby. I much prefer laughing. I’m hoping that feeling will come back.
I doubt this has been making much sense but I needed to get it out. So thanks for baring with me. To my friends for listening, thank you. For the hugs. Thank you. For holding my hand, thank you. For spending time with me, when you have so much on your plate, thank you, from the bottom of my struggling heart. I love you and I’m grateful.